Letter to Sister Maddie Blake

From the Desk of Mike Mayfield

September 12, 2013

Dear Sister Maddie Blake:

As you know, it's a tradition for me to write letters to my nephews and nieces who are serving missions.  I've been around the block once or twice and have a few ideas about how to be a good missionary. I know how much your brother, Spencer, appreciated the nice long letter he received from me back in 2011 while he served his mission to Russia.  And so, my beloved niece, as you embark on your mission to Spain, I've once again decided to provide you with the benefit of my vast proselyting experience. You can thank me when you get back.

Spain has a special place in my heart because it is where I served my own mission over twenty-two years ago.  Unfortunately, when I think back, I sometimes remember a few of the people that got away.  I would consider it a special favor, Maddie, if you would drop by the homes of some of my past investigators and see if you can bring them into the Church.  All of these wonderful Spaniards would really fill a critical role in the Church. So with that, here is your list of potential contacts:

Sister Elena Montero turns her thoughts heavenward.

1.  Elena Montero.  Sister Montero is a must-have on your convert list.  I would try to create a relationship of trust by building on your common background.    You both were whisked away from your place of birth to live in California.  You both are strong-willed daughters of powerful fathers.  You both dig dangerous guys in masks. You have a lot in common!  Sister Montero would make a rockin' young women's leader and would be particularly adept at teaching the all-important marriage and modesty lessons.  Go get her, Maddie.  

Marc and Pau Gasol--brothers in the Gospel--and in life. 

2-3.  Marc and Pau Gasol.  Perhaps one of the biggest problems of the modern Church is the dramatic drop in the quality of Church Basketball.  I blame it on EFY and video games.  The Gasol brothers could immediately make a difference in our Church Basketball program and both would start for my Bountiful Hills Ward "veterans" team (Marc may come off the bench).  In your face Moss Hill Ward!  Maddie, just stop by at their home and tell them that Jimmer sent you.

Pablo Picasso

4-5. Salvador Dali and Pablo Picasso.  This may come across as a bit judgmental, but Church artists have struggled in recent years.  I mean honestly, does anyone believe that Abinadi looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime? And what's up with the plant growing out of King Noah's head?

Abinadi and King Noah the Pot-head

Salvador Dali reacts to King Noah painting.

With all due respect to Minerva Tichert and Greg Olsen, we really need some new Church artists. Brothers Dali and Picasso are just the guys we need.

Brother Iglesias--even his name is religious.

6.  Enrique Iglesias.  I'm sure you will agree that ever since Elder David Archuleta left for his mission, the Church choir hasn't been the same.  Brother Iglesias would fill that "hot Spanish tenor" role that has been so notably absent from the Tabernacle Choir.  We need this guy, Sister Blake.

Don Juan--a lost soul in need of a cuddle.

7.  Don Juan.  I know what you are thinking, Maddie.  As the world's greatest lover, this good brother has "law of chastity" issues written all of him.  He is definitely the kind of guy they warned you about at early morning seminary.  I need you to try and overlook his flowing hair, his dark-sultry eyes, his brooding-come-hither demeanor.  Look deep past his white linen shirt, past his smooth, chiseled chest and rock hard abs.....and see his heart.  See him as he really is--a young man crying out for help.  Help him Maddie.  Please. For LDS women everywhere--save Brother Juan. Bring him into the fold.

Inigo Montoya holds on to grudges and to the iron rod.

8.  Inigo Montoya.  I'm going to state this bluntly--Brother Montoya has serious forgiveness issues.  He's fixated on a man who slighted him as a child.  He constantly talks about taking his revenge.  But you know what--who among us doesn't carry a few childhood scars?  Don't we all have our own "six-fingered swordsman" to overcome? The Church always needs a skilled Second Counselor in the Sunday School Presidency who can ring the bell without a ladder. Brother Montoya, and his trusty sword, can be that counselor.

9.  The Man of La Mancha--Don Quixote.  A good part of your mission will be spent serving the good people of La Mancha.  While you are there, stop by the home of Brother Quixote.  You may have to work to keep him focused--he's a total dreamer--but this is a good man with a good heart.  He's the kind of guy who will march into hell for a heavenly cause.  Just remember to keep him away from windmills.

Don Quixote faces life challenges--real and imagined--with faith.

President Banderas on transfer day.

10.  Antonio Banderas. I mean seriously. Just look at him.  He's got the shortly cropped hair.  He's sporting that crisp white shirt.  He's got the conservative tie going on.  He even makes the Mr. Mac trench coat look gooooood. Slap a name tag on him, Maddie.  This guy has Mission President written all over him.  And, with all of the sister missionaries heading out on missions, there is more need than ever for President Banderas to respond to the call to serve. 

11.  Gomez Addams.  The son of Castilian royalty, Brother Addams has word of wisdom issues.  But, his model marriage to Morticia and his outstanding family values make him a natural fit with the Saints.

Gomez Addams

12.  Penelope Cruz.  The Church needs sweet spirits like Sister Cruz.  I don't care what she does--we just need her.  Trust me on this one.

Sister Cruz contemplates her inner beauty.

Good luck, Sister Blake!  See you in 18 short months!

Love,
Uncle Mike.