From the Desk of Mike Mayfield

May 26, 2011

Dear Elder Spencer Blake:

I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to you before you left on your mission to Novosibirsk, Russia.  I have to tell you, I'm really going to miss you.  You are seriously one of my all-time favorite people.  Your Aunt Darcie asked me to write down some words of advice to you that she would combine with advice from your other uncles.  This letter is my advice to you.

You have always been an achiever, Spence, and I have no doubt that you will be an excellent missionary.  In fact, I am so confident in your abilities that I would like to put a little challenge to you.  From my perspective, the Church has a real need for the talents that only a few specific people have.  You are likely to run into these people in Russia.  I would consider your mission an unmitigated success if you could introduce the Church to the following Russians:

1. Mikhail Baryshnikov, dancer.  Dancing has been a part of the Church since pioneer days.  Lately, we've lost some of that heritage.  I blame Footloose.  I have a feeling that Brother Baryshnikov can do for the BYU folk dancers what Sister Gladys Knight did for the Tabernacle Choir.  We need this guy, Spence.



2. Oksana Baiul, skater. The demands on women in the Church have never been greater.  Multi-tasking is essential to salvation and there are few people who can both skate and style their bangs into a killer claw like Sister Baiul.  It's a skill set we just can't do without.



3. Ivan Drago, boxer.  Church security has been a bit lackadaisical since the days of Porter Rockwell.  Ivan "I must break you" Drago is the solution.

4.  Yorgi, former soldier in the Russian army and current leader of Anarchy Ninety-Nine.  Yes, he has authority issues, but with Larry H. Miller gone, the Church has a real need for a talented car salesman with contacts throughout Europe.

5.  Sarah Palin, reality TV star.  Sure she's not technically Russian, but she can see Russia from her house.   We need a new editor for the Ensign and considering her extensive background with magazines, this maverick is exactly what we are looking for.  She's probably the next Sheri Dew.

6.  Andrei Kirilenko, NBA player.  He'll have to give up the free "pass" he gets from his wife and the new tattoo probably needs to go as well.  Still, BYU fans tell me that the Church's highest priority is to find someone to play defense for Jimmer when he goes to the NBA.  A.K. will be that someone.

7.  Marko Ramius, submarine captain.  Brother Ramius's talents are crucial.  Can you imagine General Conference with President Ramius and President Uchtdorf sitting next to each other in the red chairs?  That is some serious spiritual candy--am I right, ladies?  Go get him, Spence.

8. Natasha and Boris, hunters. I know what you are thinking .... there are already too many squirrel and moose hunters in the Church. Heck, they don't even hold Church in Utah County during the fall hunt.  But, there has never been a greater need for examples of how husbands and wives should work together. Natasha and Boris do it with style. I'll take them.

9. Tevye, village milk man. He's not a rich man, but Brother Tevye is a bona fide biblical scholar ("As the good book says....").  He does seem to be a bit locked into tradition, however, so mazel tov with this one, Spence.


10. Emmett Fitz-Hume and Austin Millbarage, occupations classified.   No, these are not the A.P.s  and they are not Russian (although they were last seen in Russia). But, the Church needs resourceful people to help get our missionaries into foreign nations where governments are not cooperating.  These two are experts in slipping past border guards and blending in with the locals.  We gotta have ‘em.


11. Ivan Vanko, inventor. We need strong scientists in the Church.  We also need more discipline in the primary.  Brother Vanko fills the positions of Scientist and Reverence Ranger, perfectly.

And last, but certainly not least.....

12. Anna Kournikova, tennis player.  I can't really disclose what Anna brings to the table.   All I can say, Spence, is on behalf of every Deacon, Teacher and Priest in the Church, please, please find Sister Kournikova and bring her into the fold.  Just trust me on this one. 

Good luck, Elder Blake!  See you in two short years.

Love,

Uncle Mike