I've been so sad this week. I haven't been on this side of grief before and my emotions have surprised me. I really love my dad. Loved? Love? Which should it be? I'm not ready to talk in past-tense about him yet. I watched him lose his hair and drop a lot of weight over the past few years going through chemo, but I still wasn't prepared for him to die. I'm just so sad to lose him.

My little brother said he has no regrets -- that he said everything he wanted to say to dad and had the kind of relationship he wanted to have with him. I'm not sure I can say that. I'm so, so grateful that I went to see him a month ago. That trip was perfect -- he wasn't overly sick yet, we had lots of hugging and talking time, just being together time. I'm so glad that my last memories of him were those few days together. But I still have regrets. I could have called him more often. I could have skyped him more, told him more what he has meant to me ... What he'll always mean to me.

I appreciate so many kind sentiments from others but the truth is that I really just feel like crawling back in bed and not talking to anyone for a few weeks. I've definitely retreated a bit. I'll return to something resembling normalcy at some point, I'm sure. I just need time to get there.

It was so strange and sad to be up in Red Lodge last week without him there. To look down the hall at his room and the computer where he spent so much time (writing countless Facebook updates, most of which were inappropriate but usually so funny), to see his truck sitting empty outside, to still smell him in his bedroom, to see all of his things still in his room where he left them (his extremely organized closet and neatly hung jeans rack), to see his haiku poetry all gathered together waiting to be made into a book, to see his cowboy boots by the side of his bed and his cowboy hats all stacked neatly nearby....

I love you, dad. I miss you so much. I know you are well again, though, and that I'll see you again someday. And then we'll have a big bear hug, like you always give, and things will be o.k. again. Until then....