Spray-on tan

One of the blogs I like to follow is called "And Then There Was That One Time... Musings and Memories of my Most Mortifying Moments." Kimi is a great writer and definitely knows how to weave a tale. So I thought I'd follow in her footsteps and share one of my most mortifying moments.

A couple of years ago, Mike gave me an awesome Mother's Day gift of a day at the spa. When I arrived, the girl at the front desk said, "Would you like to add a spray-on tan to your treatments today for only $10?" Sure! 10 bucks, instant tan, you bet! I'd been tanning in one of those stand-up pod things before. I assumed this would be similar but with little sprayers that would cover me with tan juice. Awesome.

After the girl did my facial, manicure & pedicure, she took me to the spray-on tan room. We stood outside the door and she smiled and said, "OK, I'll meet you here after you're done so we can finish things up." I opened the door and was horrified to see a beautiful, thin, fit young woman wearing a plastic apron and holding a hose with a spray nozel. Are you kidding me? NOOO thank you! And especially not by HER ... Barbie.

My mouth must have been gaping because she said, "Is this your first time?" Ummm, yea. "OK, just hang your robe on the hook there and we'll get started." I just stood there, knowing that I absolutely did not want to stand buck naked in front of this beautiful girl. I had just had a baby not too long before and still had stretch marks, breast-feeding boobs and extra pounds to show for it. Even still, though, had I been at my goal weight and in great shape I'm not in the habit of just dropping my robe for people. I stood, horrified, rooted to the spot. She handed me something small and paper and said, "You can put these spa panties and bra on if you'd like." I took one look at the tiny paper panties and knew they wouldn't fit me even if I'd wanted them to. In a final attempt to calm my fears, she said, "If it makes you feel any better, I have done this on all kinds of bodies ... men, women, old, young, thin, not-so-thin. Doesn't bother me at all." So I was faced with a choice -- tell her I'd made a huge mistake and run quickly from the room or just go for it, knowing that I'd likely never see this girl again. After far too much arguing with myself about the pros and cons to both, I finally chose the latter.

Mustering all of the fake confidence I could, I took off my robe nonchalantly and stood completely naked in front of Barbie with the hose. She did her thing and I pretended not to care that she could see every minute flaw and bit of flab I had. Before long, it was over and I was substantially more tan. Bonus. After I had "dried" (nothing like standing around making small talk with someone while you're standing there naked and they aren't), I put my robe back on and stepped back into the hallway.

There stood the girl who had done my other treatments and who suddenly looked a lot more sheepish than she had earlier. She asked, "Do you feel violated?" We both started laughing and I asked, "WHY didn't you warn me? I totally thought I'd be alone in some booth rather than with an actual human in there spraying my naked body!" She thought I had known and was just braver than she was. Yeah, no.

On my way out of the spa, I saw another woman at the desk telling the receptionist that she was there for her spray-on tan. I wanted to grab her hand and run her back out to the parking lot, just to save her some of the embarrassment that was sure to follow. Then I noticed her swimsuit straps peeking out of her shirt. Are you kidding me!?! I could have worn a swimsuit during all of that??

Easily one of my top 3 embarrassing moments. The other 2 will remain untold. Enough public humiliation for me.